I am going to run stories and other pieces of writing that I’ve published, or not, over the years, and change them on a monthly basis — or when I get around to doing it..

It is copyrighted by the author, and all use of this material, in the entire universe and beyond and for all venues, contexts and times, now and forever — as the Walt Disney Company writer contract boiler plate stipulates — is proscribed without the expressed, (well)written consent of the author. Any unauthorized usage of this material will be punished in this and the next world. (You can see why I dropped out of law school).


ENTER The Vice President, Attorney General, Secretaries of State, Health and Human Services, Homeland Security, and (newly-created cabinet position) Secretary of Deals.
POTUS ENTERS, accompanied by the First Lady (in Givenchy).
POTUS: All right, we’ve got a swamp to drain. Melania, babe, you want to get some coffee?
FIRST LADY: Pojdi k vragu, veliki fant.
POTUS: That’s a good girl. Okay. Obamacare. Who’s going to Deep Six that?
SECRETARY OF HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES: I think that’s the Secretary of Insurance’s job, sir.
POTUS: Do we have a Secretary of Insurance?
Blank stares.
POTUS: Well, let’s get one. Give it to Christie, so he’ll stop calling me. I want it dead by March. Okay. The wall. Who’s running point on that?
SECRETARY OF HOMELAND SECURITY: 25 billion is the lowest bid so far.
POTUS: Offer 10 billion, and then go to 9 when they blink. They will. Big time. If that doesn’t work I’ll put Wayne on it.
SECRETARY OF DEALS: I appreciate your confidence in me, Mr. President.
POTUS: Next. Getting the rapists deported. Jeff?
ATTORNEY GENERAL: I’ve got Mitch drawing up legislation right now, Mr. President. Problem is the women and children. They don’t qualify as rapists. Strictly speaking.
POTUS: Have the bill include rapists and their families. And while you’re at it see if you can do something about those kids with the signs. I am their president whether they like it or not. Very unfair.
ATTORNEY GENERAL: We might run into a First Amendment problem there.
POTUS: Then go to the Second Amendment. Okay, Supreme Court Nominees. Mike?
VICE PRESIDENT: We’re running into trouble finding an African-American for the short list.
POTUS: Get Clarence on it. Clarence loves me. You know, I had a black accountant at Trump University. I paid him a lot of money. A lot of money. All right, what about getting Hillary behind bars?
ATTORNEY GENERAL: You said you weren’t going to do that back in November.
POTUS: Right. Okay, audit her instead. And while you’re at it, go after that clown Alec Baldwin and those losers from Hamilton. Since when was Alexander Hamilton black anyway? What about the Paris Climate thing?
SECRETARY OF STATE: I’m getting a little pushback on that, sir. India and China are saying that if we walk away, they will too.
POTUS: Who cares?. Get those restrictions off our backs. More jobs, lots more jobs. Everybody wins. Nice. Very nice.
SECRETARY OF STATE: What do you want me to do about the Iran Nuclear Deal, sir?
POTUS: Blow it up. Sky high. Slap the sanctions back on. They’ll be knocking on our door, turban in hand, in no time. I talked to Bibi this morning. The Iranians don’t play ball, he takes out the reactors. It’ll be Entebbe all over again. You’re going to love it. Anything else?
VICE PRESIDENT: We’re working on Nancy Pelosi’s immigration status. We have reason to believe she may be Italian.
POTUS: Beautiful. Let’s see her birth certificate. And while you’re at it check into Kamala Harris. Kamala? Sounds African to me. Okay, I’m out of here. Gas up Airforce One. I got a golf course opening in Chernobyl. And alert Vlad I’m coming. See if he’s free for 18 holes.
SECRETARY OF STATE: Chernobyl is in Ukraine, sir, not Russia.
POTUS: Not for long.

© Peter Lefcourt

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