I am going to run stories and other pieces of writing that I’ve published, or not, over the years, and change them on a monthly basis — or when I get around to doing it..
It is copyrighted by the author, and all use of this material, in the entire universe and beyond and for all venues, contexts and times, now and forever — as the Walt Disney Company writer contract boiler plate stipulates — is proscribed without the expressed, (well)written consent of the author. Any unauthorized usage of this material will be punished in this and the next world. (You can see why I dropped out of law school).
THE MELANIA DIARIES
WIKILEAKS has managed to obtain a copy of First Lady Melania Trump’s personal diaries. The following selected entries were translated, insofar as possible, from the original encrypted Slovene.
November 8, 2016
January 20, 2017
Flew down to Washington on Air Force 1 to be at Donald’s side for swear in. Mrs. Clinton wore white pantsuit and Ralph Lauren cashmere coat. White is supposed to mean something. Kellyanne Conway was wearing a silly red hat and Gucci coat with appliqué buttons. She has bad teeth. Bill Clinton gave me a look. Had to go to many Inaugural balls. Donald is a bad dancer. My feet were killing me.
February 14, 2017
Back in NY. Thank God! The Mommy and Me people said that Barron was too old to be in their class. Donald threatened to defund them. He said that his dinner with FBI guy was “terrific.” Karen Pence told me that I needed to have a cause. I’ve been looking into Irritable Bowel Syndrome and cyberbullying.
March 18, 2017
Flew to Mar-a-Lago. Donald was playing golf with some Russians. Dinner with Rudy Giuliani. He insists on speaking Italian with me. I told Jared that his narrow ties were unflattering. He didn’t say anything. He never says anything. Ivanka and I had a good talk about premenstrual bloating. She’s put on some weight.
April 5, 2017
Donald bombed Syria today. Then he wanted to have sex. I wasn’t in the mood but it didn’t last very long. Afterwards he turned on the TV and we had to watch Sean Hannity.
July 5, 2017
Have to go to Warsaw to lay a wreath. Then to Croatia. Donald says I should be happy because I can speak Croatian with President Kitarovic. I explain that we don’t speak Croatian in Slovenia. He said, same difference. They don’t want to put my Pilates machine on the plane. Donald says it’s Nancy Pelosi’s fault.
June 29, 2017
Barron is not happy with his room. He says his Secret Service guys listen to his phone calls. Donald has started locking his bedroom door at night. So he can eat Big Macs. Then he complains that he’s constipated. I tell him to eat fruit but he refuses.
August 12, 2017.
Donald is attacked for not mentioning dead protester in Charlottesville. Big deal. What about Hilary’s emails? Not to mention Benghazi!
September 8, 2017
Supposed to go to Camp David this weekend. For cabinet meetings. There’s nothing to do there. Betsy Devos always wants to have “girl talk” with me. Ben Carson looks like he’s on drugs.
January 5, 2018
A book came out today saying that I didn’t want Donald to win. Donald says it’s a phony book. He says that Rachel Madow is promoting it like crazy and that she’s a lesbian. What do you expect?
January 11, 2018
Donald wants me to go to Norway and see if I can get more people to immigrate here. I asked to get my Secret Service code name changed to something more attractive than Muse. Jenna Bush got Twinkle. And Malia Obama got Radiance. Also I hate FLOTUS. It sounds like stomach gas.
January 27, 2018
If Donald thinks I’m going to Davos with him after the business with that whore, he’s crazy. Even if she’s lying I wouldn’t put it past him. And I was pregnant at the time! Instead I told them to schedule something important for me in Washington. Like the Holocaust Museum. I used to have a Jewish seamstress to alter my clothes when I was in school in Ljubljana.
February 2, 2018.
Eric and Don Jr. came to watch the Super Bowl. They had corned beef sandwiches and kept the door closed. Michael Cohen came with a big briefcase. I heard Donald cursing. He’s going to be up tweeting tonight.
April 20, 2018
The French president and his wife came to dinner. She’s older than him and looks frumpy. How can someone live in Paris and dress like that? Donald says that Macron is a pussy. They need someone like Netanyahu to whip that country into shape. No wonder they lost The Second World War.
September 15, 2018
Yay! We are returning to New York. I am very happy. Donald is trying to get Michael Cohen out of jail to appeal his impeachment. As a reward for not leaving him when the Stormy Davis business came out, I am getting my very own floor in Trump Tower. And I only have to sleep with him once every other month. Without Sean Hannity.