I am going to run stories and other pieces of writing that I’ve published, or not, over the years, and change them on a monthly basis — or when I get around to doing it..

It is copyrighted by the author, and all use of this material, in the entire universe and beyond and for all venues, contexts and times, now and forever — as the Walt Disney Company writer contract boiler plate stipulates — is proscribed without the expressed, (well)written consent of the author. Any unauthorized usage of this material will be punished in this and the next world. (You can see why I dropped out of law school).


                         Jimmy and Marilyn: The Golden Years

“Todd call?”

“I don’t know – check the machine…”

“He said he was going to get me in to read.”

“You pick up my prescription at Rite Aid?”

“It’s two days work. I could play that role – a guy from Montana runs a gas station. I told them to send over ‘Giant’ so they can see me do the western thing.”

“Jimmy, I told you — you need to take everything off your résumé with a 5 in front of it. They don’t want anybody who worked before 1960. I took ‘Some Like It Hot’ off mine last year.” 

“You ever go in on ‘NCIS: Temecula’?”

“I go in on them all. Strasberg always said that you should use an audition as the first rehearsal for the part.”

“The thing about those NCIS is you get residuals forever.”

“Your pension check come?”

“Come and gone. What about yours?”

“Used it to pay Roto Rooter. The sink’s backed-up.”


“You see my ‘Macbeth’ sides?”

“You doing Lady Macbeth?”

“They haven’t offered it to me yet.”

“Where they doing it?”

“Some theater on Melrose.”

“You can’t afford to do a waiver production now. It’s pilot season.”

“C’mon, Jimmy, how many pilot roles are there for a woman my age?”

“You don’t look a day over sixty-five.”

“Think so?”

“Well, maybe sixty-eight.”

“There’s this pilot over at CBS about a crime scene investigator with a cleft palette.  He’s got a mother helps him solve crimes.”

“The guy’s twenty-five, he’s got a mother, what…fifty?”

“Maybe she had him late in life…”

“He could have called and then hung up before the machine picked up.”

“You got to figure if he got you in to read, he’d call you, right?”

“Sometimes they get busy and forget.”

“So call him.”

“That little pissant assistant of his always says he’s on a conference call.”

“What I do is I don’t hang up till they pick up directly. If you stay on, you tie up one of their lines. They hate that.”

“And then when he does pick up, I can hear his computer keys clicking while he’s talking to me.”

“He checks his e-mail while he talks to you?”

“On his phone.”

“Call him when you know he’s in the car. He can’t drive, talk on the phone and do his e-mail at the same time.”

“So he can fade out on me conveniently in the Sepulveda Pass? Forget it. What if I went to Endeavor?”

“You called them in March. They weren’t interested.”

“That was before I did ‘Elementary.’”

“It was three lines.”

“Yeah, but I blew Lucy Liu off the screen.”

“They’ll just send you out on the stuff that Scott Bakula turns down.”

“You know what we need — new headshots.”

“What’s wrong with the publicity stills from ‘Bus Stop’?”

“You don’t look like that anymore, Marilyn.”

“I don’t know — if they light me okay…I can look pretty good.”

“You’re the one saying that I should take ‘Giant’ off my résumé.”

“But a headshot doesn’t have a date on it.”

“All they have to do is IMDB you.’”

“I got to get that fixed.”

“There’s this computer hacker who for five hundred bucks’ll hack into IMDB and get your date of birth deleted.”

“That the same guy gets you illegal breakdowns?”

“His nephew.”

“There’s this other pilot I’m trying to get in on at Netflix. Something about this elite squad of top-secret government auditors…”



“’Desperate Accountants.’  They’re talking to Rob Lowe.”

“I could play Rob Lowe’s mother, don’t you think?”

“It’s a stretch.”

“She’s psychic. She figures out who did it and tells him.”

“You know what I’m thinking – maybe I’d race the Porsche this weekend.”

“It’s pilot season, remember?”

“But if Todd can’t get me in on this NCIS thing, what’s the use?”

“Yeah, what’s the use? Sometimes I think I should just pack it in.”

“You keep taking all that Seconol you’re going to.”

“Look who’s talking. I’m not the one racing my Porsche.”

“I won’t push it hard.”

“Yeah, right…Like Hefner said he’d never use that photo.”

“You use that as a headshot, you’ll get a lot of work.”

“Jimmy, I’m a trained actress. I want to do Strindberg.”

“What if someone leaks it to Todd that I’m thinking of going elsewhere?”

“How’re they going to do that if he’s always on a conference call?”

“I could get someone to slip it to Deadline Hollywood.”

“Who do you know talks to Deadline Hollywood?”

“You could call Miller for me.”

“Arthur passed, Jimmy.”

“No kidding? How come nobody told me?”

“You didn’t ask. I was going to go to the funeral but I was feeling too low. First Joe, now Arthur. It’s too much for a girl to handle. I get very blue sometimes.”

“Use it.”

“You think I should do Lady Macbeth depressed?”

“Why not? She’s got a lot on her mind. Remember what Stella said?”

“You never studied under Stella Adler.”

“Jesus, really? I thought I did.”

“Marlon studied under Stella.”

“Could you call Marlon for me?”

“Jimmy, you got to start to reading the obits.”

“Serves the bastard right. He stole every one of my moves.”

“He said it was the other way around. So what’re you going to do?”

“I’m going to take the Porsche up to Salinas this weekend. There’s a straightaway near Cholame I can get it up to ninety.”

“First could you drive over to Rite Aid and pick up my Seconol?”

“The traffic on Sunset’s real bad now.”

“Take Fountain.”

“Secret of success in this town.”

“Don’t forget some Drano.”


© Peter Lefcourt  

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