I am going to run stories and other pieces of writing that I’ve published, or not, over the years, and change them on a monthly basis — or when I get around to doing it..
It is copyrighted by the author, and all use of this material, in the entire universe and beyond and for all venues, contexts and times, now and forever — as the Walt Disney Company writer contract boiler plate stipulates — is proscribed without the expressed, (well)written consent of the author. Any unauthorized usage of this material will be punished in this and the next world. (You can see why I dropped out of law school).
The following is yet another a piece that was rejected by The New Yorker for their “Shouts and Murmurs” feature. Their loss.
The following are transcripts of German Chancellor Angela Merkel’s NSA wire-tapped cell phone conversations obtained though the Freedom of Information Act.
11/24/12 (to Joachim Sauer)
ANGELA: Could you bring gebackenen fisch home for dinner tonight?
JOACHIM: Why not wiener schnitzel?
ANGELA: It repeats on me.
JOACHIM: What’s in it for me?
ANGELA: We’ll see.
JOACHIM: Fishnet stockings?
JOACHIM: And a thong?
ANGELA: (giggles) Naughty boy…
2/16/13 (To François Hollande)
ANGELA: We have the Obama’s for dinner Thursday. What did you serve them in Paris?
HOLLANDE: Coquilles St. Jacques with a crème de marron sauce.
ANGELA: White or red wine?
HOLLANDE: Iced tea.
ANGELA. You can’t be serious.
HOLLANDE: Alas, yes. He said he had to work after dinner.
ANGELA: Do you think watermelon for dessert would be insensitive?
HOLLANDE: Au contraire! They served me French Fries in Washington.
HOLLANDE. The coffee was instant.
ANGELA: Mein Gott!
HOLLANDE: After dinner we went bowling.
3/5/14 (To Vladimir Putin)
ANGELA: You can’t have Crimea, Vladimir. It doesn’t belong to you.
PUTIN: It does now.
ANGELA: Might does not make right.
PUTIN: Nobody told Hitler that.
ANGELA: If the Japanese didn’t bomb Pearl Harbor, you’d be speaking German now.
ANGELA: Seriously, you’ve got to give Crimea back.
PUTIN: What would I get in return?
ANGELA: You can have Lichtenstein.
ANGELA: We’ll throw in Kyrgyzstan.
ANGELA: I would hate to invoke sanctions.
PUTIN: Be my guest.
ANGELA: Okay. No more Baltic herring.
(clicking sound is heard)
PUTIN: Angela, Angela…Angela!
4/21/14 (To Pope Francis)
ANGELA: I’m afraid that the Catholic population dwindles in Germany, Your Holiness.
POPE FRANCIS: We are deeply concerned.
ANGELA: Nobody asked Benedict to resign.
POPE FRANCIS: He is suffering from an enlarged prostate.
ANGELA: Perhaps you’d like to make a state visit and drum up some business.
POPE FRANCIS: Gloria in excelsis Deo.
ANGELA: You could visit Martin Luther’s place of birth, absolve him posthumously.
POPE FRANCIS: We would have to re-communicate him first.
ANGELA: Merely revoke the Diet of Worms.
POPE FRANCIS: We, for one, are avoiding gluten. And you?
ANGELA: Fortunately, I am Lutheran.
POPE FRANCIS: Tell me, what are you serving the Obama’s?
ANGELA: Schwarzenwurst. And iced tea.
POPE FRANCIS: (titters) We are amused.
ANGELA: Guten yontif, pontiff.
POPE FRANCIS: That’s very Jewish of you.
ANGELA: Some of my best friends are Jews.
12/22/14 (To +800 VAS ISDAS)
OPERATOR: Thank you for calling “Pastries Macht Schnell.”
ANGELA: The Pflaumenkucken I ordered for Christmas gifts has not arrived.
OPERATOR: We are experiencing a Pflaumenkucken backlog.
ANGELA: Shame on you. This is Germany, not Greece.
OPERATOR: If this were Greece, there would be no Pflaumenkucken at all.
ANGELA: What do you have that is not backlogged?
ANGELA: Send sixteen gross apricot strudel to 1 Unter den Linden. Schnell!
OPERATOR: That is the address of the Bundestag.
ANGELA: Yes. This is Angela Merkel.
OPERATOR (snicker). Of course. And I am Martin Bormann.
ANGELA: That is not funny.
OPERATOR: Neither is pretending to be the Chancellor.
ANGELA: You shall see when your tax return is audited.
OPERATOR: Your strudel is in the mail, madam.
ANGELA: And your tush is mush. Auf wiedersehen!